Transcript of an Anonymous Recorded Interview
with World Famous Author, Alexandre Dumas
(from undisclosed location in the Pacific on Dec. 1st, 2007)
Q: –this thing on? So are you really Alexandre Dumas? I mean, really?
Dumas: I have always thought so. Please be seated—just watch out for the scorpion on the crate.
Q: Well, okay then. I just thought you’d be taller… Thank you, Mister Dumas, for doing this interview. I know that you and your wife are taking a risk in coming out of hiding for this meeting, but this could make my career.
Dumas: My publisher’s wish is my command. I assure you, mon ami, that the pleasure is all mine especially since you’ve come so far. Please ask anything.
Q: First of all, how do you feel about the release of the controversial novel, Divine Night? Do you think it is an accurate portrait of your present-day life?
Dumas: But of course. I should not have supplied excerpts from my latest novel if the story was substandard in any way. Ms. Jackson has painted a fair but flattering portrait of my recent adventures.
Q: So she has in no way exaggerated any of your adventures amorous or sanguinary?
Dumas: Not at all. For my shame, my historical affaires are all too well-documented. This would bother a lesser woman, but my wife has always said that she would rather be my last love than my first. Or second. Or tenth.
Q: A source who wishes to remain anonymous has told me that your wife has a very interesting career of her own. Is she offended by the label eco-terrorist?
Dumas: Wouldn’t you be offended at being called a terrorist for doing your job?
Q: Um…probably. And speaking of offending, as the author of books like The Count of Monte-Cristo and The Three Musketeers, how did you deal with literary critics who were so harsh to you during your lifetime?
Dumas: Much more harshly than I do today. But then, dueling has been outlawed. What a pity. Of course, there is also a lot less moral outrage that such fame and fortune should be bestowed on the son of a black man. America has finally embraced the fact that I am black and any critic stupid enough to refer to me as a ‘nigger’ today would be excoriated in the press. I wouldn’t have to lift a finger.
Q: Um… yes. Let’s see….You mentioned your father. He was the celebrated General Dumas, a friend and then a rival of France’s Emperor Napoleon?
Dumas: Just so. Though I feel I should add he was also a victim of murder arranged by the little emperor. He was poisoned in prison at Napoleon’s behest.
Q: Oh. I am very sorry for your family’s loss. It must have been difficult for you growing up without a father.
Dumas: It was, but no more difficult than it was for my mother or sister.
Q: How do you feel about modern adaptations of your famous works–such as The Count of Monte-Cristo or The Three Musketeer or The Man In The Iron Masks–to film or television?
Dumas: Flattered. I particularly enjoyed the adaptation of The Three Musketeers with Oliver Reed, Richard Chamberlain and Michael York. Though my favorite thing about those films was the beautiful Faye Dunaway.
Q: Many people are probably unaware that you wrote a cookbook. I have heard rumors that this was your favorite work.
Dumas: It was. Believe it or not, I did not think that my little adventure stories would be remembered. I was certain though that my recipes would stand the test of time—yes? You said something?
Q: I’m sorry, but that noise. Was that a gun?
Dumas: Very probably. There are still a few stray zombies in the area. We want to have the area secured by morning but they are proving elusive. We may have to evacuate.
Q: Oh…. Perhaps we should wrap this up then. One last question–
Dumas: Please.
Q: Uuh. Any plans for Christmas?
Dumas: I plan on baking pfefferneusse as soon as we reach a place that has an oven.
Q: Could I get the recipe? My grandmother– Oh! That gunshot sounded very close.
Dumas: It was.
Q: Th-thank you again for taking the time to talk to me. If you could text that recipe?
Dumas: Of course. I wish you a safe journey. Stay on the beach and avoid the jungle. You should be out of harm’s way once you make it to the boat. Remember that you can find Ms. Jackson’s account of our adventures on Amazon. Au revoir.
